It could well just be the fact that I was awoken by the fighting of my neighbors this morning well before my usual moment to rise and shine, and the fact that the drama continued for hours into the day. I think as far as that goes, it's more the internal struggle of what my role is as their physical neighbor. On the one hand, I don't want to get involved - it really is not my business. But on the other hand, I feel called to do something. It just doesn't seem right to sit next door and listen to it all happen. I'm at a loss, truly, and maybe that is where the bit of sadness comes from.

Part of me also wonders how long life can be as good as it has been. I know, I know, God is good and unbelievably gracious, so it can continue to be good for far longer than I can imagine. And certainly, my perspective on the "good life" has changed over the years! Still, perhaps it is from watching another's life fall apart, but it begins to shake my faith in what I know of life.

I suppose these are the moments in which prayer is the only way out, moments where all you can do is rest in Jesus and realize that it is out of your own hands, and in His, and that is ultimately more satisfying than anything else. Still the fear remains, feeding on years of old bad habits of doubt and self-loathing. It's a comfort to know that the saintliest of saints had the same doubts. I know that it comes from a place that is not of God, and they say knowing is half the battle.

So as I lay down my weary head tonight, I pray that the morning will chase away the darkness of fear and sadness. A new dawn brings a new spirit of hope, and I just pray that others may begin to know the hope that lies in a faith in Christ. I can't imagine living in this world without that faith to be my rock.

MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that
I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire
in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I
may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be
lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

- Thomas Merton, "Thoughts in Solitude"