Learning from Yom Kippur
2 years ago
I never noticed until the other day, how many of the most profound revelations come to me while I am in my car. Granted, the flip side of that is how many failed moments of anger and frustration abound there too... But that's not the focus for today! :) Perhaps it is that I spend so much time in my car, often driving the same routes, that the smaller things become clearer. After all, God is with us in our day wherever we are, and I just happen to be in my car! As I was driving the other day, after writing the last blog, mired in the mundane, a brilliant sunburst broke through the clouds, and the majesty of God was breaking through the monotony that had filled my spirit. It was as if God was saying to me, "Okay, I heard you, but you're crazy - look at this brilliance! How can life on my creation be mundane?!?" Ok, God, I hear you loud and clear. And yet...how does the song go? I get knocked down, but I get up again? Well, perhaps I got up, but got knocked down again.
For a few nights following that, I lost sleep over senseless nightmares, but ones that chilled my soul enough to make me afraid to fall back asleep. Heck, the first night I even grabbed my rosary and woke up realized I'd grasped it in my hand the rest of the night. I haven't thoroughly read enough of the saints to know if that kind of fear was kindred to their dark nights of the soul, but it was definitely in mine. It wasn't until I'd reached utter exhaustion that I was able to find peace and sleep solidly through the night.
In so many ways, that is our relationship with God. It isn't until we have completely broken ourselves down that we can listen...it is in that breaking that we surrender. And yet, in other ways, it's in the smallest details on a daily level that God breaks through. It came to me as I was driving my fairly normal morning commute and listening to the radio. I got a new phone recently, so every little sound that comes that isn't instantly recognizable as part of the song playing makes me reach for my phone. As I was doing this repeatedly, and realizing that at no time was it my phone, it hit me. I was hearing new details in songs I'd heard a thousand times - new background instruments, smaller tones.
And then the moment reached deeper - this was how God reached us too. We see the same sunrise, the same changing of the leaves, we spend time with the same people, listen to the same Scriptures over and over. In that repetition, we allow things to become mundane because we stop seeking - we hit a wall where we think we know the matter completely. But God, in his infinite wisdom and love, gently reveals Himself more intricately, uncovering the tiniest nuances that hit us when we least expect it. Be it that sunburst that shone out of the sky on that Sunday drive, or the ability to dig deeper into myself and give more when I feel empty, to see a familiar face in a new way, or whether in reading the same words I've read a hundred times I find comfort and solace in a new sense of divine kinship with Christ, the mystery of God continues to unfold.
So although the large "a-ha!" moments are magnificent in themselves, perhaps the greater brilliance lies in all the collective little moments where the glory of God speaks in tiny fragments, each of them revealing a fuller glimpse of the loving relationship between us and our awesome God - Father, Son and Spirit...
Yes, yes, I know it has been what seems like eons since my last post. It's just not been a month where I've felt reflective at all. Rather, ever since the now infamous ailment, I've been batting away the urge to withdraw completely. Between a hectic schedule, seasonal allergies, and a house that just won't stay clean, I can't say that life has lent itself to much contemplation. Every time I sit down to reflect on things, it seems that I end up at the wrong end of a dark alley.
That's not to say that life hasn't been filled with blessings. I recently celebrated my birthday, and though the day itself was frought with the chaos of life, the event left me in awe of the generous souls in my life who share their love and care with me. Unfortunately, this has not in any way, shape or form increased my desire to add any extroverted time to my schedule and actually coordinate a gathering or party. Sorry, dear friends, but I think this year will have to go uncelebrated en mass. Other blessings abound as well, as I am still very happily employed, showered in love, and at this moment, in good health!
Even so, I discover that at times like this, where I am unable to let go and surrender to the quiet to attain a bit of divine serenity, the negative forces around me well up within like a geyser waiting to explode. Luckily, I'm at least now able to contain those explosive moments to the solitude of my own home. Nonetheless, they leave me remorseful. I wonder if my irritation with another's condescension is simply an incongruity in personality traits or my own pride unable to let go of the need to be in control. And is another's wavering commitments really the issue, or is it rather my own selfishness leading to an inability to "go with the flow"?
In the end, I find that I am perhaps just tired, mired in the mundane repetitious duties of the "adult life," waiting for those moments that take my breath away (and there truly are many), hoping I am able to notice them through the clouds that may be lurking.
But for now, I'm off to work...
That's not to say that life hasn't been filled with blessings. I recently celebrated my birthday, and though the day itself was frought with the chaos of life, the event left me in awe of the generous souls in my life who share their love and care with me. Unfortunately, this has not in any way, shape or form increased my desire to add any extroverted time to my schedule and actually coordinate a gathering or party. Sorry, dear friends, but I think this year will have to go uncelebrated en mass. Other blessings abound as well, as I am still very happily employed, showered in love, and at this moment, in good health!
Even so, I discover that at times like this, where I am unable to let go and surrender to the quiet to attain a bit of divine serenity, the negative forces around me well up within like a geyser waiting to explode. Luckily, I'm at least now able to contain those explosive moments to the solitude of my own home. Nonetheless, they leave me remorseful. I wonder if my irritation with another's condescension is simply an incongruity in personality traits or my own pride unable to let go of the need to be in control. And is another's wavering commitments really the issue, or is it rather my own selfishness leading to an inability to "go with the flow"?
In the end, I find that I am perhaps just tired, mired in the mundane repetitious duties of the "adult life," waiting for those moments that take my breath away (and there truly are many), hoping I am able to notice them through the clouds that may be lurking.
But for now, I'm off to work...
