It'd been a crummy week so far. Partly it's the February funk, and partly, it's things I can't even put words to, or shouldn't in public. Tonight, as much as I did NOT want to leave the house, I had to, and I'm glad I did.

I had a lovely dinner with a friend, where we tried to sort through and solve all our problems which really only resulted in laughter. Then I ran into Anna Bahnahnah, my World Youth Day roomie, who I hadn't seen in a very long while which was quite a lot of fun. I got prayed over without asking, which I needed. I had a nice long hour of prayer, which I needed. And on the way home, I saw fireworks. Sure, it's the middle of February and there's no reason anyone would set off fireworks, but there they were. And they made me smile in the midst of trying to sort out some things that made me uneasy.

It's nice when the little things catch you by surprise and bring a smile to your face...God is good.

I've been in Chicago over the past few days at a conference with people from around the country who are part of a network of retreats offered by a ministry partner in Chicago. First, may I just say, I love Chicago. There is just something about the place - vibrant, eclectic, walkable....it was nice to be somewhere I could just walk a few minutes to get somewhere rather than always having to be in my car. Detroit is feeling stale right now, but I'm not sure whether it's the place or my own state of mind.

This brings me back to a particular experience over the past couple of days that has me a little troubled. We were being asked to envision the future - I'm usually good at that. I love looking at the bigger picture and seeing the vision of what could be and then reflecting and praying on what should be of that. Yet, when asked to dream without limits - I came up blank. Now, I can excuse part of that being that we're a brand new partner and I am not sure my vision is 20/20 when it comes to their programs. Unfortunately, though, part of the reflection included putting ourselves into a scene in Scripture - this particular one was the one with the blind man on the side of the road that is yelling after Jesus to come heal him. Wanna know my role in the scene? I was in the back of the crowd just taking it all in.

For whatever reason, this greatly disturbed me. I wanted to be the blind man screaming after Jesus, knowing what I needed and demanding it. I wanted to be able to answer Jesus's question of what it was that I wanted from Him. Try as I might, I got nothin' but that question to ponder on. Do I no longer have dreams? Or have I become so attuned to the limited reality of what is that I can't dream unabashedly big dreams? Partly, I know that I'm content with where I am and I know there are changes coming that I can't completely anticipate. A new life in marriage, our own new family - all this will bring "freshness" and changes that I can't yet foresee. Should that mean that I can't dream until I know that reality, though?

And what of this stale feeling? It's even more pronounced after returning from the Windy City. I had started off the year with new energy, happy with being refocused at work and in life. Now, though, just a whole lotta staleness...almost feeling stuck. I am left wondering if that's a sign that I need to move onto something new in my life now, or an anticipation of new things to come, or just a period of wanting more that leaves me thirsting for something fresh. As much as those times are a struggle, the simple act of desiring more may lead to something I couldn't now anticipate. So, for now I put all that into my prayer and we'll see what the spring brings.

Facebook is a funny thing. For so long, I resisted the urge to join. Yet, it is like the Borg it seems - resistance is futile. Like any technology, it's got its pros and cons, but I have to say I do enjoy being able to more easily keep in touch with old friends with little fuss. Heck, it keeps me in touch with current friends, though at times it can also seem stalker-ish. I mean, do people really need to know what I'm doing at any given moment?

The more interesting phenomenon has been the virtual high school reunion. I'm now Facebook friends with a whole host of people I don't think would ever have called me a friend in high school. As we catch up and see what everyone has been up to (and I do think that curiosity perhaps has a lot to do with some of these friendships), I find myself sometimes wondering if I existed on the same planet as them during those years.

Sifting through pictures, realizing how many of them still stay in touch - truly in touch and not just Facebook - I feel a little like I am in an alternate universe. My high school experience was not enjoyable to say the least. I had my little group of friends, and we had fun, but for the most part, my social calendar was not overflowing beyond that. Heck, let's call it what it was - I was a nerd. I knew I was missing out on some of the scene, and I knew that I was different, but other than just wanting out, I made it through.

It wasn't until this Facebook reunion started though, that I realized I lived in a completely different world. Not only did I miss out on many moments - I was never privy to knowing they existed. Dances, parties, trips...heck - some of them even went on to the same college as me and I never knew it. Completely different universe.

Would I change that? I honestly don't know. I'd like to take the mature, high road and say no, because everything that happened before has made me who I am today. Deep down, though, I think there will always be a little part of me that wonders "what if?" What if I had existed in the same reality? Maybe not a part of the same crowd, but maybe not quite so completely removed. And another part of me wonders if my memory just fails me and I knew all this at the time and have blocked it all out because I've moved on to bigger and better things.

Either way, I'm pretty sure those alternate worlds still exist in high schools (and beyond), and that makes me a little sad. In fact, I'm pretty sure the isolation and taunting has only gotten worse if the world-at-large is any indication. Maybe I should be glad I can exist in my own little world where I've moved beyond the hurts of the past and am content with my life, knowing I'm where God has called me to be. Or maybe I should 'fess up' and admit that old hurts don't just die, and give them up to God and be happy that I am content with my life now, knowing I'm right where I'm supposed to be.

Besides, as shiny as their past may seem with my nose against the Facebook window, deep down I am pretty sure we are ALL a bunch of misfits in a crazy world.

I somehow seem to think that I need to get something profound out of every day. In reality, that doesn't always happen, even when I do slow down and spend some quiet time in prayer. Sometimes, my biggest revelation is "hey, at least this day didn't totally suck."

Of course, as I was sitting in Mass yesterday, the thought hit me that I complain and criticize an awful lot - not so much publicly I hope - but enough of it that I know it's something that affects my own perspective. Then the voice of God came to me saying, "Instead of criticizing, pray." Ok, so it wasn't a big booming voice - no James Earl Jones over the loudspeaker - but that quiet whisper when you know the truth of it and still resist it. I mean, is it really complaining, or just venting so you don't dwell on it?? What do you mean I am rationalizing my behavior?

Anyway, so I did have one deep thought. And as much as profundity makes me grow, it's the laughter that soothes the soul. Monster Friend is moving away, and as thrilled as I am for her, I know I will miss the laughter that always ensues. Good thing I have her blog to read!! That got me thinking of the moments I remember over the years, especially as friends from grad school are posting pictures from back in the day, and it is hands down the moments that brought with them laughter. The tears I remember too, don't get me wrong. But the stronger memories are those moments filled with gut-busting laughter, where I'm laughing so hard I'm trying not to pee my pants! Maybe if I laughed more, my gut would bust out smaller....hmmmm....maybe not.

And that brought me back to complaining...well, not actually complaining, but thinking about complaint and criticism. None of it actually moves me forward - the venting may release some steam, but I usually just end up all scrunchy in the end (to use a Phoebe-esque description). I guess that whole "release it into prayer" and move on to something funny (ok, I added the last bit myself - that wasn't so much God) isn't such a bad idea after all.

No, I don't mean I dislike it - I seriously hate journaling. Is that even a word? Isn't it just taking a noun, adding the "ing" suffix in the hope of turning it into an activity that millions of people will blindly acquiesce to in the hopes of great self-awareness?? I'd much rather be into lunch-ing. In fact, I am much more into lunch-ing...or dinner-ing...or supper-ing...breakfast-ing takes a little more effort. I digress.

Anyway, back to "journal-ing" - ask my mother. I never kept a real diary. I'd start to, and then I'd lose interest. Diary never wrote back, that jerk. You can only write so many "Dear Diary" letters as a child and just be disappointed that you got nothing from Diary in return. Diary clearly did not like the art of "journal-ing" either.

You can ask my junior high English teacher - I distinctly remember one of my required journal entries being a big...and I mean BIG...picture of a sad face with two words: "Polly died." It was actually a sad thing - a girl in my school had been chosen to perform in the Des Moines ballet performance of the Nutcracker, and on her way to/fro, their car skid on ice and she died from the accident. Instead of writing all this, however, I figured the round sad teary face would say enough. WRONG! I didn't exactly fare well with the grading on that weeks entries let's just say.

Now, we've created the blog-o-sphere in the hopes that dazzling us with lurid not-so-new technologies will make us journal-ing skeptics take to the masses and scream "I've seen the light!" Well, I can tell you that after many failed attempts at keeping a blog on any given topic, BZZZZZZZZZZZ. Wrong answer. It's just electrified, not-so-private, share your thoughts and opinions on anything you like whether you're qualified or not.....journal-ing.

So, why am I here, you ask? I've decided to stop hating blogging. (Even though it, like its paper counterpart, took a noun and made it a verb. Somehow in the electronic format it seems less offensive.) I may still dislike it, but I think what draws me away from it is a lack of discipline. I'd rather just stare senselessly on Facebook for hours than sit and blog for a half hour. So, in my attempts to be more productive and less ... well, let's face it - lazy ... I've started a blog for me. If others read it, well, that's their business. For now, it's my attempt to try to recap my life so I know I'm living one and not just letting things pass by.

Journal-ing...well, I've taken it under re-consideration, and in the interest of being charitable, let's just say the jury is still out.