I've been in Chicago over the past few days at a conference with people from around the country who are part of a network of retreats offered by a ministry partner in Chicago. First, may I just say, I love Chicago. There is just something about the place - vibrant, eclectic, walkable....it was nice to be somewhere I could just walk a few minutes to get somewhere rather than always having to be in my car. Detroit is feeling stale right now, but I'm not sure whether it's the place or my own state of mind.

This brings me back to a particular experience over the past couple of days that has me a little troubled. We were being asked to envision the future - I'm usually good at that. I love looking at the bigger picture and seeing the vision of what could be and then reflecting and praying on what should be of that. Yet, when asked to dream without limits - I came up blank. Now, I can excuse part of that being that we're a brand new partner and I am not sure my vision is 20/20 when it comes to their programs. Unfortunately, though, part of the reflection included putting ourselves into a scene in Scripture - this particular one was the one with the blind man on the side of the road that is yelling after Jesus to come heal him. Wanna know my role in the scene? I was in the back of the crowd just taking it all in.

For whatever reason, this greatly disturbed me. I wanted to be the blind man screaming after Jesus, knowing what I needed and demanding it. I wanted to be able to answer Jesus's question of what it was that I wanted from Him. Try as I might, I got nothin' but that question to ponder on. Do I no longer have dreams? Or have I become so attuned to the limited reality of what is that I can't dream unabashedly big dreams? Partly, I know that I'm content with where I am and I know there are changes coming that I can't completely anticipate. A new life in marriage, our own new family - all this will bring "freshness" and changes that I can't yet foresee. Should that mean that I can't dream until I know that reality, though?

And what of this stale feeling? It's even more pronounced after returning from the Windy City. I had started off the year with new energy, happy with being refocused at work and in life. Now, though, just a whole lotta staleness...almost feeling stuck. I am left wondering if that's a sign that I need to move onto something new in my life now, or an anticipation of new things to come, or just a period of wanting more that leaves me thirsting for something fresh. As much as those times are a struggle, the simple act of desiring more may lead to something I couldn't now anticipate. So, for now I put all that into my prayer and we'll see what the spring brings.